Playing With Matches

And it really burned me up.
To see your lies
Unfold.
As you told them
You practised that speech
As well as the tears
Eveything on que.
Like you.
So ill-timed.
So mis-taken.
I wish I could take back
My genuine words
As they built you up
So much higher than you could ever climb.
You weren't even sober.
Just like you weren't even sorry.
I counted on moments
You couldn't forget
To see you through
To assure you do
Remember me.
Closing the door now
Striking matches
Erasing every memory with you
So pleasing to my mind.
So wasteful of my time.
I bought into
I saw through
Your tough exterior
Hoping, thinking
It had to be real.
How off base you are
How full of it you were
How you could regard me
So carelessly.
And still kiss me.
You were never with me
On a page.
Stop pretending you were
Lying about empathy
Doesn't mean you understand.
Holding everything you could want
In the palm of you hand
And letting go
Is as stupid as it sounds.
The tears I cried
Never hit the ground.
You must've counted wrong.
And I really wanted to keep you.
Even when you're selfish and rash
I'm not one to burn bridges
But hand me another match.
I'll light it myself.

Worth Keeping

I put us in sequential order
so I could remember on a dime
How I felt, how I smiled
How I needed you..
Once upon a time:

So
I walked away with
A few bruises.
After all goodbyes.
And last touches felt
And last eyes wept
When all unsaid words
Were finally said.
Broken or not
I'd keep you.
I'd fix you.
If you'd only let me try
So I cried.
As if it would help .
As if it meant more
Remembering
All the times
I would really miss you.
Afterall, I loved you.
Would that be enough for
You to turn the car around
Waiting at the door...
You did not come back.
I thought if I kissed you
You'd miss me
A little bit more
How naive of me to think so.
So with all the consolation
I could get from my own heart
Getting your attention
If we spent some time apart
Never once thinking
It could be for always.
Wishing you could see
Before you let me go
That something you're needing.
That something worth keeping.
But you did not come back.
I've laughed a million times
With you
Plus one.
For the road.
Try not to forget me..
But I bet-
You will.
You should have held me longer
And you know it.
The blank spaces
With wishful faces
Catching one last glimpse
Of the man
I thought I knew
You always made it so easy...
But with tearfilled eyes
I could smile about you.

Take a Step Back

I have a new job working at a detox facility. It has been very interesting to say the very least, which lets be honest, I should have really expected that because, for heaven sakes, I'm surrounded by drug addicts all day. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I really do heart most of the clients I see every day.
I was on my half hour break the other day, and I usually go to the nearby SB (starbucks) and get myself an "iced chai really lite on the ice" this particular day I had NO money. No means to get myself a chai. So as I dumped out all my change trying to desperately come up with $4. in quarters and dimes I suddenly took a step back and looked myself and realized..um...haha this is what my clients at my job do every day! Scrounging for anything they have to get their substance fix! So I'll be committing myself to detox for my problem any day now.

LONG STORY SHORT

-haha just a preface...this title is a little hillarious..because my poem isn't any shorter!

I watch tear drops
Make their design
On sheets of paper
That spoke every truth
And every whisper
Of where I stand
With you.
That you will never see
They're the shadow of a voiceless
The way that you see me.
But at least I'd know
I meant it
Even for just that moment
It counted for something
With substance.
Never once turning away
Never once slipping through my fingers
A touch that lasted minutes
Would linger
On my skin for hours
Wishing you would see
Wishing you would stay
Just to be with me.
Long story short
I loved you.
At least I came real close
But at arms length
You had to have me
Pick that route without a choice
I bit down on my lips
To stop words from escaping
And meeting you half way
That mess it would make
Just to say...
Any of it.
I'd laugh with you
Not at you
A joke at my expence
But every time you'd hold me
I belonged there.
If that makes any sense.
I didn't want a reminder
I didn't want you to see
That you made me smile
That with you
There was a melody
In my head.
When I woke up.
You can always read my mind
But not my heart
I never thought it'd matter
Not knowing the invisible thoughts.
But with your bold curiosity
Don't bother.
I'd lie if you asked me.

The things NOT to do

So...There have been some hillarious incidents in the past few weeks that have made me learn a few things.
1. Do not try to re-tell a whole bit from a comedian's act.
This does not go as well. Because a) it's probably some sort of stealing b) it may or may not be funnier live and done by the actual comedian c) you're probably not as funny
I tried repeating a joke I heard from Brian Regan who I saw with my family a few days ago. There was a joke about discovering 250,000 gorillas! haha! And to me-that is gold already. When I tried telling Scotty and Troy about this outragious joke there was some exchange of glances between the two of them that posed the question: uh...is she really trying to do this right now? I told the same joke to Kathy explaining my not understanding how people could not think this was so funny. Thanks Kath for laughing..

2. Pick up lines that do NOT work
I was sitting in downtown SLC with Kathy and some other friends when I was approached and creepily asked in my ear: "Are you real?" which I was like uh..what the H kind of question is that and a little snottily replied "uh...yeah.."
"Well you're hot." he walked away. Haha I was left confused and creeped out. LAME

3. Poison Oak and Bleach
Now..already I'm sure to most who read this will know right away this is real bad idea. So Scotty got home from a 2 month fire excursion and he brought poison oak home with him YAY! He hated it so much. So by day 2 he decided he'd had enough. "Someone told me the only way to get rid of poison oak is to put scrub your skin with bleach." I laughed, because really? But I could tell he was set on the task and went into his bathtub to begin the task as I waited for his/our friend Jordan to get to the house. Suddenly I hear.."Whoever told me this works didn't tell me it hurt like a Bi***!" hahaha I couldn't help it I was laughing hysterically. First..I am sucker for humerously placed swears haha and again really?

American Idol-To be or not to be

Oh the American Idol scene.. where there are big dreams and lots of people. In fact, there was about 11,000 people in SLC this year waiting in line for a chance at stardom, and guess who was in that line??? ME! hahaha. Ssssure, I sing. And I like to incorporate singing into my every day, but I never really fed my dream at becoming a singer. I've been encouraged by some people about trying out. "You should try out for American Idol" they would say..ahem mostly my dad, but nonetheless. I decided that I would give it a shot. I wouldn't bank on anything, but I would do it just for the heck of it. My brother said that he would try out with me! It would be a really long day, but at least it would be funny. A couple days before the try out date my brother says: I really don't want to do this. LAME! So I tell this boy nicknamed Florida Sunshine to try out with me. He was a musician type, and he agreed. I definitely did not want to spend the whole day in a humungous line by myself. I decided on the song I would sing the night before going, and practised it a few times through, but we also had to learn a couple "crowd songs" I believe these to be songs that the crowd sings altogether when the camera happens upon them. I did not bother learning either of these. So I wake up at 3:15 in the morning to be in line at the Enery Solutions Arena by 5:00 am. plus pick up Florida. It was very weird. As we walked toward the line I wondered what time some of these girls got up to get ready, because it was a radical prom scene. The girl standing in line in front of me could have possibly won the award for "what are you thinking?" She wore her heals, naturally, because it matched her outfit just right-a shirt that barely covered anything, and a skirt that didn't cover anything, but ironically she was lugging around a suitcase? I think it may have contained her clothes? I spent some time laughing to myself. 1) for being there at all 2) the people that surrounded me as they sang to themselves 3) at the mom and dad support groups 4) how at 5 in the morning people were screaming at the camera everytiime it passed. I was trying to make the best of the situation by having converstations with Florida, afterall, thats why I wanted him there..company. So 20 minutes go by with my trying to make conversation when he says to me: " You know...I need you to give me half hour-an hour-and just not say anything." Oh I see. haha. ok.. So I sat there, in a line I wasn't excited to be in with Debbie Downer and after a couple hours when the sun was setting I decided this dream was not for me.

Safe

I haven't always back pedalled
I haven't always been so uneven
So seduced by time
Running from those unfolded hands
Listening to your untold lies
My eyes whispered secrets
I'd never dare speak of in the daylight
Sweeping through dark sandcastles
That remind me of October
I wish I could do it all over
I would've turned to You
Like I ought too
Even now.
With beautiful smiles
And such a long while
Before you realize
How you are too.
Bedtime stories that only made me sleepless
Because I forgot to pray
I thought about it anyway.
I emptied the jar, the box
The listless
Where possibilities covered all their bases
How can I reach You?
With tears?
With faith?
With apologies?
Or would you just watch over me?
Admitting
I lost my way
Reasoning with myself
To turn back
Waves of restraint and opposition
Shy my away
So childishly
Have you been missing me?
I promise You never left my mind
And as if a million eyes
Followed me towards the ground
With the sudden sunlight
Lift me without a sound
I don't know how to give myself
Another chance
Please tell me how.
But You did...
And I'm safe now.